Giving criticism is a skill that, as in all skills, can be mastered through learning and practice.

Most people are sensitive and easily upset when it comes to receiving criticism. The process is a two-way street, shared equally between the person being criticized and the critic.

Even when criticism is constructively intended, the receiver may be overly sensitive and respond with feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt, especially when the criticism is delivered in a way that tends to arouse defensiveness.

When giving criticism:

Request a specific change. Instead of saying You left the hall light on again, try saying, In the future, please remember to turn off the hall light. Instead of I wish you'd stop wasting all of our money, say, In the future, let's discuss our spending plans.

Use the sandwich method. Sandwich the meat of the criticism between two positive comments. Instead of saying You did a lousy job writing this report, say, You did a great job on the introduction, but the middle section and conclusion seem a little weak. With a bit more work, I'm sure you can tighten it up into a really good report.

Decide if criticism is really necessary before you offer it. Will the person being criticized really benefit from your comments? It's often better to keep your criticism to yourself. People are less likely to pay attention to criticism from someone who is a constant critic.

Receiving criticism:

Expect it. You can't go through life without being criticized.

Irrelevant criticism can be ignored. Some people are so critical of everything and everyone that they will throw in critical comments that may have nothing to do with the situation at hand. These comments are not worthy of a response or of any emotional reaction on your part. Ignoring them may encourage the criticizer to lighten up.

Destructive criticism is an attack. It is a character assassination: You are a selfish pig and You are stupid and incompetent. If you ever are at the receiving end of such criticism, try to realize that there is something wrong with the person dishing out those remarks - not with you. A rational, sane, sensible person does not resort to extreme mud-slinging. Don't take this kind of criticism to heart or give it any credence. Ask the critic to define terms: What is it exactly that makes you say I am stupid and incompetent?

Constructive criticism can be useful. This type speaks to the issues. I think you need to be more attentive; you failed to mail that important letter or When you want the kids to go to bed, give them fair warning. If a criticism is constructive, have the grace to accept it and learn from it.

Accept it. Don't recoil with pain or take the offensive. It says more about your character if you can hear out the other person and evaluate how you can use the input to improve yourself.

Arnold A. Lazarus, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology, therapist, author, lecturer, and clinical innovator. He received the American Psychological Association's Distinguished Psychologist Award and Distinguished Professional Contributions Award. He is the first recipient of the prestigious Annual Cummings PSYCHE Award.

Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D., a licensed clinical and health psychologist with a practice in psychotherapy and neuropsychological testing, is the director of Comprehensive Psychological Services in Princeton, N.J. 

From The 60-Second Shrink: 101 Strategies for Staying Sane in a Crazy World by Arnold A. Lazarus and Clifford N. Lazarus, copyright (c) 1997. Used by permission of Impact Publishers, Atascadero, Calif., 1-800-246-7228.